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Should I Tell My Grandkids About My Illness?
by Susan Stiffelman
My sons both feel I shouldn't scare my grandkids (ages 8, 9, and 11) but I am afraid that if something happens to me, it would have been better if I had prepared them.
This is a delicate and important question, and I admire you for so lovingly thinking of your family. It would be wise to tell your grandchildren that you are dealing with a serious medical condition, but I would only do this if you can get your sons to understand why this would be in their children's best interest. Remember, though, your sons do know their children better than you do, and are very aware of how much information the children can process without their being frightened.
If you tell your grandchildren that you are very ill, they will need their parents to help them sort out the worries, fears, and concerns that will come up. It would be irresponsible — and disrespectful — to force that task upon your sons and their partners if they feel you shouldn't have brought the subject up with their children in the first place. Start with an honest conversation with your kids.
Here's another angle to ponder: Your children might be reluctant to tell their children about the severity of your illness because it scares them. They may need time to come to grips with their own feelings and express their own fear along with the sense of powerlessness they may feel at being unable to make you well. In a sense, we are always children when it comes to our parents. Listen to your kids with an open heart and a quiet mind, whether they focus on their own feelings of worry, or they simply talk about their reasons for wanting to protect their children. Is there a chance that your chidren think you aren't that sick and telling the grandkids would needlessly upset them? If so, defer to your sons without rushing to explain why you disagree.
| “Your children might be reluctant to tell their children about the severity of your illness because it scares them” |
Overall, it's usually wise to gently include children in the realities of serious medical situations rather than trying to shelter them. It could be a comfort to you to have your grandkids speak directly with you about your condition in a hopeful but honest way. Children have a sixth sense for the truth. They know what's going on, even when we don't talk about it. While they may not be aware of the seriousness of your condition, they probably know something's not kosher. It's more compassionate to bring things into the open with care. Any turn in your condition for the worse would also be a good time to prepare your grandchildren for dealing with your serious illness. There would still be sufficient time to share your feelings with them and with their parents — as a unit.
If your sons cannot give you their blessings to discuss your health with their children, make your peace with that and let it go. Defer to their judgment about whether the kids are ready to deal with the possibility of losing a grandparent. You can write a long letter to each of your grandchildren, sharing some of the things you'd like them to know and remember. Or you can make a video recording of yourself for them to keep. Should something unexpected happen to you, trust that they will carry you in their hearts always.
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126 Answers
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Yes. It's important that they know.
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They sort of know, but not fully.
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No. I don't want to upset them.
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My kids do what they think is best.
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Thankfully, I'm healthy.
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| What an excellent answer! Thank you. I want to read all your answers now! This is such importent advice.
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| I think that they should know why I need a wheelchair to get around, and can't run and play with them like Papa does.My oldest grandaughter is 6 going on 16 and very smart, and so much like my son,[html removed] does not want to be lied to. I have MS and I did lose the use of my hands upto the elbows and she could'nt understand why I could'nt even lift them.Luckily after about three months , the feeling came back so I can use them, but a time could come to when I'm not so lucky. I just feel that they should know enough about why I can't pick them up and somebody else has to set them on my lap., Especially my three year old grandaughter.
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| My mother did this to my own children, and they grew up thinking that Grandma was going to die daily :( that's not a healthy relationship to have with your grandchildren.
Now my mother made it a point to constantly tell them: you know I'm going to die one day. But again, no child needs that pressure or knowledge. If it's something obvious, they see medical equipment around, questions are always better answered as briefly and honestly, but geared to their age and maturity level.
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| My grands that live nearby are aware that I have cancer. I have had three abdominal surgeries and radiation treatments over three years. The amount of information they have gotten was geared to their ages and personalities and came from their parents and myself with their parents' permission. I now have a colostomy and we think it is funny that it makes noises at inconvenient times. We find they have apppreciated a chance to help when and if needed. As a Nana, I see this as one more time to be an example that different is o.k.
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| I just went through this when I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and had surgery in January 08. The toughest decision was Noah my five year old grandson. How would I explain how sick I would be and what was coming with the chemo therapy. It took time and several discussions however we were able to share most of the information with Noah (in stages) that I would encounter. He was even prepared for my hair loss.
Noah and my family (I have 8 grandchildren) are fully aware of my remission and continue to pray that I have at least 35 more years to be their grandma.. I'm 62. It's never an easy task sharing ill health with your children or grandchildren however, it is better to prepare them rather then keep them in the dark. Life is life..and bad things do happen to good people..
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
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