Beyond Time-Out - Grandparents.com

Are your grandchildren running wild? The author of a new book on raising happier children suggests the problem may be that the kids have too much power.

In the last few years, I've heard a rising cry of distress from parents across the country: Their children’s fears, tears, demands, and entitlements are derailing their parental resolve and effectiveness. The media is filled with so many stories of such family woes, it seems to be an epidemic. Conducting the basic business of family life — getting kids to sleep, toilet-training them, feeding them, and sending them off to school — has become a monumental challenge for many parents. Raising children effectively is a pleasure, yet I always hear people talk about what hard work it is.

I'm a child psychologist who has been on the frontline helping families for more than 16 years. And I have begun to see that many of the emotional and behavioral challenges so many parents confront have their roots in what I call an imbalance of family power (IFP). In other words, kids have too much power and parents not enough. Many times, parents of children age 10 and younger have told me that they feel as if they are prisoners of their children's demanding or unruly behavior. I have seen it time and again — when children run a family, they ruin it, and themselves along with it.

It can be heartbreaking to witness parents' struggles with IFP — especially for devoted grandparents who witness their grown children over-parent, over-talk, and over-negotiate with their children, and then inevitably give in to the kids. Grandparents know that this leads to no good, and it troubles them when they are asked to maintain these indulging practices when grandchildren visit. Their grown children tell grandparents to cater to the youngsters' food demands, give in to the kids to avoid tantrums, and make room in their beds for children who have yet to learn to sleep independently.

I find many grandparents scratching their heads, wondering how it is that parents have wound up here. They talk among themselves about how "it wasn’t like this" when they were parenting. And I agree with them. The current epidemic of IFP is the end result of a generation of parenting ideas and ideals. The seeds were planted in the 1960s when experts championed "democratic parenting" and warned about the consequences of parents asserting their authority. This led to an emphasis on reasoning, focusing on feelings, exalting unconditional love, and of course raising children's self esteem above all other concerns.

Being respectful of our children is not wrong. In many ways it has been an important corrective to an era where children were expected to be "seen but not heard." The problem is that the pendulum has swung too far, and today's parents are uncertain and intimidated when it's time to assert their authority.

In order for children to master the essential building blocks of maturity – self-control, respect, and cooperation — they must be parented by both loving and leading parents. I wrote Beyond Time-Out to open parents' eyes to the ways they are surrendering power to their children without even realizing it. I offer them a detailed strategy to ensure that their better judgment and authority prevail, so that they can build relationships with their children free from the turmoil and unhappiness of IFP. Grandparents have been especially receptive to this approach. They are relieved to have a guide they can share with their grown children without having to directly confront them about their serious concerns and risk creating tension and conflict within the family.

When parents establish a rhythm of leading their children that is effective, reliable, and respectful, children are happy to work with them, and love to please them. When they least expect it, children hug them, thank them, and tell them what great moms and dads they are.

Our children need us.

You know what to do.

For ideas on helping grandchildren mind their manners, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, join the discussion about whether your grandchildren know you well enough, read our feature on celebrating at-home dads, and find out the 25 reasons kids love grandparents.