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How to Get Along With Your Daughter-in-Law
by Amy Schulman
If you want to get closer to your grandchildren, start by improving your relationship with your daughter-in-law
"Wear beige and keep your mouth shut."
This is what Carolyn Keleman, a grandmother of seven from Columbia, Md., says she's learned in her ten years as mother-in-law to two daughters-in-law. So if you believe this is what your daughter-in-law wants from you, you’re not alone. Feeling like you can't speak freely with your daughter-in-law can lead to resentment and prevent you from having the relationship you want with her, your son, and most important, your grandchildren. To get your relationship with your daughter-in-law on track, try the tips below. They may help you get what you really want — more positive, quality time with your family — and maybe even a stronger friendship with a fellow mother.
Meet Face-to-Face
If you have something to say about your grandchildren or the way their mother is raising them, keep this version of the golden rule in mind: If you can't say it directly to your daughter-in-law, don't say it at all. "You have to find a way to say it directly and not through your child. That's the kiss of death," says grandmother of seven and clinical psychologist Nancy Dunn Williams, 79, of Portland, Ore. Keleman says that she raises important issues calmly, and always to both parents, and that over he years she's only grown closer to her daughters-in-law.
Cut Out the Drop-Ins
On sitcoms, mothers-in-law routinely drop in on their families unannounced, usually at the most inconvenient times. In real life, if you want to see more of your son's family, call ahead, ask your daughter-in-law when you should visit, and schedule the time. Maybe your daughter-in-law can't arrange your visit right away; remember, you wouldn't agree to babysit if you have something else on your calendar, and you shouldn't expect her always to be able to accommodate your visits. Respect is the key. "I live nine blocks from two of my grandchildren," Williams says. "Before I moved here I promised that I would never just arrive on their doorstep. I call the parents and ask what’s going on that I can help with."
Follow the Rules
Getting enough "alone time" with grandchildren is often a point of contention between grandmothers and daughters-in-law. But if you want your daughter-in-law to trust you enough to leave you alone with her young children, it’s important to follow her rules for the kids when she's around, and when she’s not. "When you think of this from the point of view of a small child," Williams says, "there is a lot of value to him if his routine is not interrupted just because he is [away] from his mother." Your daughter-in-law is likely to back off on her demands as time goes by, Williams says, if she feels that you are working with her, instead of against her.
Be the Change You Wish to See
If it's important to you that your grandchildren learn your native language, play an instrument, or take up another interest you value, supply the tools, arrange for lessons, or teach it to the kids yourself. Don't just sit back and criticize your daughter-in-law for not doing it. Then, instead of the issue becoming a wedge between you and your daughter-in-law, it can lead to a special bond between you and your grandchildren that their mother will admire. Leonie Rohe, 56, a grandmother of one and teacher from Camden, Del., believes music is critical for child development, even for the youngest kids. So she bought her granddaughter Adelia a piano for her first birthday and continues to give the girl, now 3, music-centered gifts each year.
Speak now, or Forever Hold Your Peace
If you seek input on important decisions affecting your grandchildren, be proactive. Schedule time with your son and daughter-in-law, advises psychologist Randi Miller of Baltimore, and then "bring up one concern at a time." If you have strong feelings about a grandchild's education, for example, and want to share your opinion about the family's preschool plans, open a dialogue well in advance of any application deadlines. Be sure to listen to your daughter-in-law’s ideas before offering your own. Then you can express your own preferences — as opinions, not as demands — and your voice should be heard.
To find out how to "be there" for a new mom, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, read about bonding with a new grandchild, find tips on baby-sitting, and discover the 25 reasons kids love their grandparents.
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222 Answers
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Terrific
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We're becoming closer every day
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It could be better
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I'll take the Fifth
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| My life would be better if my daughter-in-law and I could get along; but, I don't see that happening. My sons wife is very demanding and domineering; and whatever she says goes; no matter what. If she told my son to jump over the empire state building he would.
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| In different Worlds.....One Pagan one Christian.
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| I am the mother of 3 sons, which means I have 3 daughters-in-law. I love them dearly and we all get along very nicely. But, for the Gramma who does not get along with her daughter-in-law, let me say this, I have bitten my tongue more times than I can say. This is her and your son's life and it is their children, not yours. We had our chance with our own. Now we must abide by their rules with their children. If you want things to be friendly and you want a big part in your grandchildren's life, you will bend over backwards and bit your tongue. :-) (oh and I pray alot too)
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| My son & daughter-in-law had their only child, a little boy, last year, late in life. They have chosen not to have more because of risks and age.
They live several hours away, and we don't get to see them much. We have visited numerous times but they have come here only once, last Easter. We talk maybe once a week. This will be my only grandchild, and he is precious, and the love of my life but we have to practically beg for their time. They don't "keep" him from us, and want us involved, but don't want to seem to make the effort or commit in advance to do so. It has hurt us both greatly. It's always on his mother's terms, and my son will do what she says.
I send "fun boxes" to him regularly,with books, toys, & clothes. I'm sure they're enjoyed but guess we want the parents to acknowledge how important it is for our grandson to "know" us....whether through fun boxes, webcams, or visits. They seem clueless about this. They are in their own world and it's "out of sight, out of mind" for us. My daughter-in-law and I have very different personalities...she is controlling, somewhat insecure, not much humor, and wouldn't think of "coloring outside of the box"....and I am just the opposite. I do admire and respect her, and she does me, but the tension when we're all together gets so uncomfortable for me. I try so hard to "play the game" but cry all the way home! I'm emotionally exhausted! She probably is too....
Would love any suggestions from you more experienced grandmothers so that I don't alienate anybody.
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| As a daughter-in-law I agreed with most of the contents of this article. But I think there can often be a fine line between what grandparents consider good grandparenting and what we parents consider our territory, which is the actual parenting itself. I'm referring to this little gem: "If you seek input on important decisions affecting your grandchildren, be proactive."
Guess what. Important decisions affecting your grandhildren are the purview of their parents. If parents seek your advice regarding these decisions then by all means put in your two cents and feel honored. Your judgment and wisdom have just received an enormous compliment. But scheduling time with the parents so that you can discuss things like your grandchildrens' preschool? As a mother I'd consider that intrusive and disrespectful. You need to wait to be invited into that discussion.
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