Saying Good-bye to the Family Home

Downsizing from your current home may be a smart decision. But it could also stress out your grandchildren. How can you explain it to them?

Linda Flynn always imagined living in "a big grandma house," where grandchildren would spend happy weeks visiting her. "We’d look through boxes together, and I'd tell them stories about the old treasures that we would find inside," says Flynn, a 51-year-old grandmother of one (with two more on the way).

Instead, Flynn is living in an apartment in Charlottesville, Va., having moved from her home in Garwood, N.J. "It wasn’t fair to my husband to say we have to own a big house set up for our grandchildren," she says, "rather than live cheaply, travel, and do all of the things that adults do."

Flynn is one example of a generation of grandparents on the move. According to a survey by Pulte Homes, a company that builds new homes, 40 percent of adults in their fifties and sixties are planning to downsize from their current homes, or have done so already. Some baby boomers are relocating to be near their children. Others are heading for areas that are warmer or more affordable. These movers are leaving family homes filled with decades of memories, sorting through belongings rich with meaning, and saying good-bye to long-dreamed-of good times with grandchildren in their family rooms or backyards.

It’s a bittersweet experience. "You’re closing one chapter in your life, even as another one opens," says Ciji Ware, author of Rightsizing Your Life (Springboard Press, 2007). What’s more, your move may also be tough on your children and grandchildren. After all, your children's memories are strongly connected to your home, and your grandchildren's experiences with you are all about the things you could do with them in your house. Luckily, you can make this transition easier for everyone by following seven steps to moving success.

1. Lay the groundwork

Your move may be the first big upheaval in your grandchildren's lives. Reassure them that you'll still be there for them, and help them understand that it's your love that counts, not where you live. If you're moving far away, show them before you move that you'll be setting up a Web cam so they can talk to you and see you "in person," or watch you read them a bedtime story, after you leave.

2. Start sorting now

Even if your planned move is a year or more away, start going through your belongings now. "Certain possessions have complex meanings that we may not even realize," Ware says. That's why it’s essential to dedicate enough time to this task so that it's not rushed. Carve out three-hour time blocks and start in the areas with the least sentimental value, gradually building up to your most meaningful belongings. While deciding what to keep, Ware advises that you ask yourself: "Is it beautiful? Is it valuable? Do I use it now? Does it have sentimental value? If so, what is its meaning to me?"

3. Gather what you'll pass along

Begin collecting anything you'll want to pass to children or grandchildren in a central space. "By putting like objects together, you can see their collective volume," says Marea E. Santos of Santos Organizational Strategies in Boston. "You may realize that there is no way your kids are going to want to keep it all." A rule of thumb: Set aside no more than five to ten special items (for example, a toy that's no longer being made) for each grandchild.

4. Involve your family

Don't make your decisions about what to keep or toss by yourself. "Parents are often surprised by what their kids and grandkids want or don't want," says Eric G. Rovner, cofounder of Benevia, a Seattle-based company specializing in family transitions. "They might want something you wouldn’t guess in a million years."

5. Celebrate your home

Commemorate your home in a scrapbook, through a craft project like a quilt — or on a Web page or blog. That’s what Gail Biby, a 59-year-old grandmother of six, did as she prepared to leave her house in Bismarck, N.D., to move three hours away, to a town near Fargo.

6. Welcome everyone to your new home

If your new home has a den, studio, or spare bedroom that will double as a room for visiting grandkids, Rovner says, "Give it a few distinctive touches to add magic. Create a space where your grandkids will find things or activities that are fun and appealing." You may even want to invite your grandchildren to contribute a few design ideas, or join you on shopping trips to decorate the room.

7. Embrace the change

Moving can be hard — even a little overwhelming. So picture yourself emerging on the other side of the transition, with a whole new level of organization, lightness, and liberation. "Downsizing is freeing," Flynn says. "I feel better, freer, as if anything is possible." It’s a feeling your grandchildren will surely sense in you — and love.

To learn about bonding with your grandchildren from a distance, click here. Elsewhere on Grandparents.com, learn how to reassure grandchildren when grandparents divorce, join the discussion about how well your grandchildren know you, and find out the 25 reasons kids love grandparents.