A Chat With Rabbi Shmuley Boteach

Even in this age of enlightened, high-speed families, traditional values are still the way to go

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach isn’t a grandparent yet. But he’s got some firm ideas about how he thinks grandparents can help the world by imparting in their grandchildren empathy for the less fortunate and a strong moral sense.

The best-selling author of Kosher Sex (Main Street Books, 2000) lives in Englewood, New Jersey with his wife Debbie and their eight children, who range in age from 2 to 19. The rabbi — who’s known simply as Rabbi Shmuley — is a promoter of Jewish attitudes toward relationships and marriage. He’s been dubbed "Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke" by The Washington Post.

Born in 1966 in Los Angeles, the Orthodox rabbi and radio host received his ordination in 1988 from the Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidic movement in New York City, as a disciple of its leader, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson. The London Times awarded this very visible rabbi the Preacher of the Year Award. His TV series, Shalom in the Home, is a reality program that airs weekly on TLC. Earlier this year, he joined XM Radio's Oprah & Friends, with his own call-in segment, "The Rabbi Shmuley Show."

While helping folks make relationships work is a specialty, Boteach willingly jumps into the more controversial fray as well. In the fall of 2007, he openly criticized Columbia University in The Jerusalem Post for inviting Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak. In the rabbi’s newest book, The Broken American Male and How to Fix Him (St. Martin’s Press, 2008), he tackles such tough areas as the proliferation of pornography and money madness. The rabbi includes himself among the broken, acknowledging a highly competitive nature that makes him miserable. What would help fix the problem? Spending more time with the family.

Grandparents.com spoke with the rabbi about what the elders can do to uphold the family structure.

Grandparents.com: What role should grandparents play in the lives of their grandchildren?

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Grandparents should inspire their grandchildren with their wisdom and their experience. Grandparents have lived life, and every wrinkle is a badge of honor to having loved and lived. Talk to your grandchildren about what is valuable in life. My own grandmother used to share with me what it was like when her family came to this country, how hard it was and how hard they had to work. My parents respected their parents so much. But today, many kids have a sense of entitlement. They tend to be spoiled. Grandparents can remind them of what it was like when they were young, and teach them to never take anything for granted and to appreciate all that they have.

GP: That sounds like a pretty big challenge. Lots of kids today just want to be out with their friends.

RSB: That’s because they haven’t got any reason to stay home. But if you make it stimulating by creating great conversation with interesting people, they will like to be home. One way to impart good values in kids is to have at least one night a week at home with the family. Only 17 percent of American families eat dinner together. Religious Jewish families at least have the weekly Sabbath night ritual. I would like to see all American families together on a Friday night, Jewish or not. You can make it a fun night, and the kids can invite their friends over, too.

GP: Do you think grandparents can help facilitate that?

RSB: Yes, I think it’s important for them to help encourage parents to make the family closer. This can be as simple as sitting down and reading and studying with the kids. Religious families can read religious material. Secular families can read poetry together. Grandparents should definitely be included in these rituals, and families should discourage television during the week.

GP: In the past you’ve mentioned that you would like to disseminate Jewish values into mainstream culture. Any values in particular that you think are important for non-Jews to adopt?

RSB: Our American culture has many problems that I believe could be fixed if we adopted Jewish values. Especially important is the emphasis that Jewish families place on family and community. There also is a great emphasis on traditions and on marriage.

GP: What do you see as the most effective way to bring down the divorce rate in this country?

RSB: Husbands and wives should be spending time together, not becoming shallow materialists who only care about money. And one way to do this is to be sure that after 9pm, there should be a function-free zone. You should not be talking to each other about where to go on a family vacation and who is going to pick up the dry cleaning. You didn’t talk to each other about those things when you dated. Now that you are married, you should talk to each other as a man and a woman in the evening.

GP: When the time comes for you to be a grandparent, what would you like to see for your grandchildren? Do you want them to follow in your footsteps?

RSB: When the time comes and I am, God willing, a grandparent, I’d love to see first of all my children married. I would like to find people who are raising inspired children who love God and love humanity. I hope they’re well-mannered kids, following of course in the Jewish tradition and making a wider contribution to the world at large.