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About the Author
Mike Slosberg is a New York City-based novelist. In 2007, he authored The Hitler Error (Vantage, 2007) and Pimp My Walker: The Official Book of Old Age Haiku (Bunker Hill Press, 2007). Visit www.mikeslosberg.com.

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 Ten Worst Things to Say to your Grandchi

10 Worst Things to Say to Your Grandchild
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Slips of the tongue are a grandparent's provenance.

1. “I agree with you, darling. I think a snake would be a wonderful pet. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to your parents."

Regardless of the animal or reptile involved, you’re on a slippery slope. Obviously you are being used as a flying wedge. Stay out of it.

2. “When you’re in my house, you can do anything you want.”

This is a no-no, unless your grandchild is auditioning for the new reality show "America's Dumbest Activities."

3. “Mommy tells me she wants you to go on a diet. Really! You’re not that fat.”

Okay to say to your evil co-worker. Never to your chubby grandchild.

4. “For a boy, you have the most beautiful eyelashes.”

Alternatively, if addressing your granddaughter, avoid saying, “For a girl, you’re really big-boned.”

5. “You know, your mommy and daddy used to drink a great deal when they were younger."

If this were a football game the comment would draw a flag on the play. The offending grandparent will receive a 15-yard penalty and a possible season suspension.

6. “Your essay sounds brilliant to me. Obviously your teacher is an idiot.”

One of the sadder phenomena of recent years is the assumption that when a teacher says anything critical of a student, it is assumed the teacher is wrong. This, along with really lousy pay, makes me marvel at why anyone wants to be a teacher. Don’t try to make points with your little genius by undermining the lesson his teacher is trying to impart. That is, unless you want the reincarnation of James Dean for a grandchild.

7. “If I ever find out you have a tattoo I’ll kill myself.”

Talk about guilt! This is right up there with our parents' version of “Finish your broccoli. Don’t you know the children in Europe/Bangladesh/Ethiopia are starving!”

8. “That lovely little girl, the one I met at your house last week, is she your girlfriend?”

Without question, you are on very thin ice here. Absolutely nothing is more embarrassing to a 7- to-14-year-old boy or girl than the outing of his or her social life.

9. "Of course you should have a curfew for your prom, dear. I remember your mother stayed out very late at her senior prom. I ended up having to take her to visit that so-called doctor on Railroad Street."

Agreeing with the parents that the child needs a curfew is a smart move for a grandparent. But don’t let your support turn into the launching pad for a story best forgotten.

10. “You hardly ever call me, and you know, Granny’s not getting any younger. As a matter of fact, if you ever come over to see me, I’d like you to choose a few things you’d particularly like to have, so when I’m gone, you can take them.”

Oh, boy! Passive/aggressive in the extreme. It's the stuff of nightmares, not to mention years of intense psychoanalysis. Are you happy now?


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user comments

sorry after it comes off the tongue
naneecc on 02/21/08 at 03:56 PM Flag as inappropriate

My oldest grandchild is 4 and has asked a few questions. While I break the rules about bedtime, I would never think of telling her her parents are wrong. They are the ones responsible for her. Likewise, my 20 month old granddaughter and her mother live with us. The hardest thing I do every day is allow my daughter to make her decisions without interfering, even if I think it is wrong. She is the parent, not me.
Joannie on 02/22/08 at 09:02 AM Flag as inappropriate

As a retired teacher, I especially loved the comment about not undermining the teacher, etc. Thanks!
Gramlin on 02/24/08 at 02:53 PM Flag as inappropriate

we all make crazy mistakes.
sweetie on 03/21/08 at 06:24 PM Flag as inappropriate

My daughter is my parents 30th grandchild and the last. Trust me, I learned my lesson before my own grandchildren were bord
rookie on 08/21/08 at 10:41 AM Flag as inappropriate

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