Grandparents Presidential Campaign News - Humor

Clearly, all three of our by-now-exhausted, and highly caffeinated politicians, have worked their pollsters off, trying to become Leader of the Free World. As part of the process, they’ve been peered at, poked, prodded, dissected, analyzed, sliced and diced, in just about every imaginable way.

But who, may I ask, had the guts to posit the following burning question: What kind of First Grandparent would each candidate make?

It’s not hard to see any one of them filling that roll. True, Obama is a tad young, and McCain has been there, done that. But for the purposes of this exercise, let’s assume our candidates start out dead even, free to gambol on that metaphorical field they’re always claiming they want leveled.

So I plopped myself down on that field, and I tried to imagine how each of the candidates might perform in three important areas of grandparenting: The Bedtime Story, Helping with Homework, and The Changing of the Diaper.

1. THE BEDTIME STORY

Imagine it’s evening. The little one’s finished dinner. The kitchen’s been hosed down. The bath is over and the little prince or princess has been delivered, wrapped in a halo of baby powder and soft flannel, to the arms of his/her grandparent.

Senator McCain: Hop up here, little sailor. Sorry, I can’t pick you up. Old war wounds, you know.
GK: Yes, Sir, permission to come aboard, sir?
JMc: Granted. Okay, let’s see. Last night we finished reading Carl von Clausewitz, On War.
GK: I enjoyed that, sir. Booya!
JMc: Roger that Booya!. Tonight I want to begin a very exciting story by a man named Leo Tolstoy. It’s called War and Peace. Do you know what peace is?
GK: Uh, not exactly, sir.
JMc: Okay, let me see if I can remember. Once upon a time…

Senator Clinton: Oh, sweetheart, how cute you look. What would you like me to read tonight?
GK: Oh, please, MomaHill, please tell me that horror story about healthcare reform again. I love hearing true crime tales.
HC: Well, okay, but this is the last time. We’ve got to move on to other things. Here goes. In the olden days, 1993 to be exact, healthcare reform started. PapaBill had just become King and he told me to fix…

Senator Obama: Okay, champ, it's story time. What’ll it be tonight?
GK: No more about change, BarakPop. I want something where everything stays okay as is.
BO: I understand your position, lad, but you have to be an agent of change and always be looking to right any wrongs. Clean up the mess of the bad guys. Then, move ahead.
GK: No, no, no. Kids like routine. We don't like change.
BO: Not to worry, sonny boy. Our stability is in our faith.We'll never change from the Trinity United Church and Reverend Wright.

2. HELPING WITH HOMEWORK

Senator McCain: Look, it's simple. An A-class destroyer sails from Pearl Harbor doing 20 knots. Sonar indicates an enemy sub closing in fast. How many Ensigns will it take to…

Senator Clinton: It’s just simple math, sweetie. See, there are a total of 793 super delegates, more or less, depending on other factors…

Senator Obama: Hmm, so you need a topic for your essay? How about this: Who Needs Experience when You've Got Charisma?

3. THE CHANGING OF THE DIAPER

Senator McCain: Belay the wiggling around, sailor. How do you expect me to make these *&^%$ hospital corners on your diapers?

Senator Clinton: You’ll have to wait a little while longer, sweetie, MomaHill can’t change this diaper alone. It takes a village, you know, and they should all be logging onto my website any minute...

Senator Obama: You’re almost a year old, kiddo, and that's plenty of experience in my book. So let’s get rid of these baby diapers and get you into some long pants. Maybe a nice button-down shirt and a solid-color tie? Okay, big guy?

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Conclusion: Judging by my unscientific look at grandparent skill metrics, the race to the White House appears to be a dead heat in that department. All of them need serious help. Fortunately, they can find that help on this very website. This column has been approved by Grandparents.com and does not imply any particular endorsement. Except for our own material.

These days, the election's on everyone's mind — including ours! So from time to time, Grandparents.com reports on political issues that pertain to grandparents and grandchildren. We make every effort to keep this coverage 100 percent impartial — meaning, we are not affiliated with nor do we support a particular party, campaign, or organization. What we do support is every grandparent's right to know about the issues that affect them. We think it's great that so many grandparents are getting involved in the election, and, as always, we'll do our very best to keep you informed.