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No Grandchildren?
by Mike Slosberg
Let's show a little compassion for anyone whose kids haven't cooperated
The other night, while devouring a sushi-grade tuna burger at my favorite tavern, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two couples at a nearby booth.
“No grandchildren? I really feel for you. How long has she been married? Really? Ten years? Wow, how sad. You’re missing out on the greatest part of life. My Malcolm and his Doreen gave me three so far. All absolute geniuses! And beautiful faces. And it’s not just because they’re mine. Here, look at these pictures… ”
As I listened to this harassment go on, I was struck by the patent injustice that was being perpetrated on these poor souls. Then I thought of the hundreds of non-grandparents around the world who are caught in this morass of exclusion. My heart went out to every one of them.
However, since you’re on this website, chances are fairly high you’ve laid some version of this passive-aggressive rap on someone yourself. I think it’s about time we began to show a bit of compassion for anyone suffering from non-grandparent-itis.
Let’s think about why this happens: Is it conceivable that all grandparents seem to desperately want everyone else on earth to have grandchildren? Is it possible there is a touch of Schadenfreude here –– that they’re getting some strange pleasure from a misguided perception that one’s life isn’t complete without grandkids?
Doubtless many of us know people who fall into that grandkid-deprived category. Regretfully, this is a condition over which those folks have no control, any more than those of us with grandkids have. Truth is, nothing more than a little biological two-step resulted in the dubious honor of being gray-haired babysitters, continually bearing gifts, and eventually shelling out for vacations and college tuition.
Consider for a moment the dilemma in which the Have-Nots find themselves. My buddy Jack and his wife, Rochelle, for example, suffer mightily from ruthless grilling by the “I have one and you don’t” crowd.
“It’s downright frustrating,” Jack told me one evening as the three of us shared a pitcher of beer and a pizza. “We have friends we’ve stopped seeing altogether,” Rochelle added. “It’s as if they’ve joined some sort of cult.”
I heard their cry and my soul responded. “What if… we could create a grandchild for people like you who don’t have one?” I postulated. I ignored their incredulous looks.
Later that night, under a steaming shower, a venue where I happen to do my best thinking, the idea took shape. I would create the Grandkid of the Month Club. I took a vote of everyone present in that shower and we all agreed it was pure brilliance.
No grandkid? No problem. Finally, here was a way to blunt all those condescending friends who want to know why you don’t have any, when you’re going to get some, and how you can possibly call your life complete without a tottering rug-rat finger staining your damask settee?
The Grandkid of the Month Club would start with a Pre-Birth Package. We’d provide all the fancy buzzwords to lay on your friends, like doula, water births, and Apgar scores. We would include still shots from ultrasound exams (they all look the same: like an X-rayed bottle of pickled beets, right?) and weekly chirpy e-mails from your virtual kids, designed for forwarding to friends, chronicling the progress of the faux pregnancy.
At this point in the process you will want to give a handle to the little bundle of joy. It just so happens that Americans are very conservative when it comes to naming children. For example, in 1900 the most popular names in the United States were John and Mary. A century later we had advanced no further than Jacob and Emily. Personally, I would go for something more exotic: possibly Pierpont or Morgan, Baxter or Francesca. Gives you even more to talk about with other grandparents.
And on the big day, a picture of the gunk-covered new tax-deduction, held high in the mitts of the proud gowned-and-masked obstetrician, would arrive. In due course more photos would debut: leaving the hospital, in the car seat, and the ultimate peaceful shot: baby in the bassinet. In a generic mother’s arms, her head, of course, cropped out. A picture every week will show the visual progress of your imaginary grandchild’s development.
Naturally, the first birthday would be celebrated with snapshots of the cake, the candle, the kids, and the pile of presents. The grandbaby on a pony or, if she’s a city kid, hailing a taxi. So cute!
As the virtual child gets older, drawings and paintings suitable for refrigerator hanging would arrive each month. (Fridge magnets not included.)
Holiday and special-event cards would begin arriving from the child at appropriate ages, including their charmingly cute and precocious e-mails, ideal for forwarding to the by-now appeased friends. Trivets made from Popsicle sticks and plastic lanyards would be sent from authentic-sounding summer camps.
Eventually there could be a Shared Vacation Package. Thanks to the miracle of digital photography, we could doctor your actual vacation photos to include shots of your virtual grandchild.
I settled into my bed, content that I had created something of great benefit to mankind worldwide and something that could possibly turn a profit. As my mind drifted on theta waves, I wondered how one might end a membership in the Grandkid of the Month Club? Could we string a membership out into the college years? To graduate school? Or was the club simply a stopgap? A way to silence the irritating goading of well-meaning friends?
As sleep overtook me, a basic and brutal truth emerged: The reality that once friends and relatives are comfortably assured that, like them, you’ve got grandkids, they will surely become as bored stiff with yours as you are with theirs.
It’s just human nature. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.
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43 Answers
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Certainly do!
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Nope. Still waiting.
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| In addition to the 'real' grandparents and the nons, there is a whole class of 'honorary' grandparents that don't get nearly enough applause. They are aunts and uncles, neighbors or family friends who step up and fill large voids. A big bravo to them too.
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| I have seriously toy-ed with the idea of a website dedicated to matching pseudo-grandparents with families that have none or at least, "none available". I am not a grandparent. I am a mother with two little ones under 5. My own mother passed away from cancer and never even met the 2nd child. I'm thinking there are many others like me who would love to have a "stand-in". (Think of the numerous "Motherless-Daughter" support groups out there.) And not for the gifts at Christmas. But for the role model, wisdom, and activities that only a Grandparent can provide. So, although this article was humorous to some....I got to the end secretly wishing there had been a web-link to a pseudo-grandparent in Georegetown, Texas. Maybe the author and I should re-think his idea.
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