Taking Responsibility While on Vacation

Our three teenage grandsons from Florida were struck by the differences as soon as they entered Rosary Cottage, a 600-year-old cottage in the Cotswolds. Jeffrey recalls, “The ceilings were lower; the plugs provided a higher voltage and were shaped differently; our sink had a hot and a cold faucet.”

Months earlier, as my late husband watched the 2004 New Year’s Day football with our son Michael and grandsons Jeff, Andrew, and Scott, my daughter-in-law Judy and I found Rosary Cottage while surfing the Web. We were looking for “self-catering” facilities in England’s west-central hills. With four bedrooms and four baths, we had the base for a perfect multigenerational vacation — privacy!

But, because we were in a cottage without maid and room service, we needed to establish guidelines so that neither parents nor grandparents provided those services. Our first experience of overseas togetherness provided an opportunity for everyone to pitch in on the chores, along with the fun.

Dr. Roni Leiderman, interim dean of the Mailman Segal Institute of Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University in Florida, says, “The age of a child, where they are developmentally, must be considered when talking about responsibilities or chores.” Your relationship with that grandchild is another factor. If you’ve traveled together before, you both understand the dynamics of working together. Leiderman says watch out for hard feelings that can color what the vacation is all about.

Whether your trip involves an intensive schedule of sightseeing or a laidback couple of days on the beach, Leiderman suggests you invite grandchildren to help, but don’t issue tough directives. Family trips are designed as a time to build memories — positive ones.

The village of Chipping Campden was far from Florida, but that didn’t excuse our grandsons from contributing to the general welfare of the household, as they do at home.

• Everyone was responsible for their shoes and clothing. That meant no sneakers on the floor. Laundry went into a laundry bag until we used the washer/dryer.

• Dirty dishes were to be loaded into the dishwasher.

• Since breakfast was the only meal we ate in the cottage, everyone had a task: Jeffrey picked up the papers after his morning run; Michael bought fresh fruit; I selected cheeses and bread, with help from the younger boys; my husband — who was the only one who knew how it use it — made French press coffee. And Judy did morning kitchen clean up.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Sharon Buchalter of Boca Raton, Fla., says, “Children need structure, no matter where they are. Chores are a large part of learning how to be in a community. Being on vacation doesn't mean you're 'off the hook.' In fact,” she says, “showing kids they're a part of the group by pulling their weight is a great lesson grandparents can impart to children.”

A specialist in child and adolescent psychology, Buchalter says, “Maybe the job is simply to pack or unpack their own things or to pack a beach bag and make sure there’s sunscreen, or to lay out their clothes the night before. The idea of empowering the child to be part of the vacation experience is important.” Buchalter, author of Children Are People, Too (People Too Unlimited, 2006), believes the approach should be different than a “take out the trash” at-home chore. Still, when the family’s on holiday, when kids’ routines are different, she says it’s especially nice to retain the continuity of responsibility.

A Fresh Take on Tasks

While on vacation, grandchildren can contribute in a variety of ways. One of the most useful is tapping the foreign language skills they’ve acquired at school. One family I know had the children who studied French help out by translating during their visits to French-speaking Canada. Another set of grandparents traveled through the Mexican Riviera with their daughter, a Spanish lit major, translating.

Carol and Phil White, authors of Live Your Road Trip Dream (RLI Press, 2008), set their grandchildren more scholarly tasks. They asked the youngsters to do some research about upcoming destinations and present their findings to the family during the trips. Topics could be historical, a fun fact about the flora or fauna at the destination, or foods to be found in the region. To her mind, “It is just a mindset that it is fun to participate (not ‘help’ or ‘do chores’) and we all have a good time.”

Here are a few more pointers from Helena Koenig, consultant to and founder of Grandtravel, a Washington, D.C., firm specializing in tours for grandparents and grandchildren. She suggests that grandchildren can help put suitcases outside the door. They can hold doors. They can sit with their grandparents some of the time, and not spend all their time with their peers. In Koenig’s view, "Kids’ responsibilities are to make it easier for grandma.”