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We have been alienated from seeing our grandchildren by our son & daughter-in-law
Hi,
I am new in this forum. My husband & I do not know where to turn, so we are hoping for some advice. About 5 weeks ago our son sent an e-mail telling us that they do not want us in their lives anymore. Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, we do not understand how or why this happened. He has been married now for over 15 years, and we have always walked on egg shells around our daughter-in-law. She (they both) have said hurtful things over the years, but we always kept our cool & tried to keep the peace. Now, for whatever reason, they have decided we are not welcome in their life any more. The real problem is that they have two beautiful children, who are our life. What do we do, where do we go from here? Help me please!Thank you,
Elaine in Florida
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mimi4548
07/18/08 @ 06:53 PM
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Is it the sun in Florida that fries their brains? We are having the same problem. I am lost without my babies. The son and daughter-in-law don't seem to understand the precious time and times that are being lost to us and to the children. That time together and those missed experiences can never be recaptured.
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Meemer
07/18/08 @ 10:36 PM
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Hi Meemer,
Thanks for responding. We really do not know where to turn. We pray constantly, & we have a strong belief in God. However, it helps to hear from others who have gone through the same experiences. This lets all of us know that we are not crazy. Sometimes it seems like we are, and we continously look within ourselves to try to identify the problem. We did not bring our son up to act this way, so that makes it even harder, because it seems like we failed. The conclusion we have come to, my husband & I, is that these young people have not learned one important thing, and that is respect. Without that they just don't see the error of their ways. They think life is black & white, when in reality it is anything but that. We also feel that family should always be together, and you get rid of problems, not people. Thanks again for listening, and I will pray for you too. Have a wonderful day.Take Care,
Elaine
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mimi4548
07/19/08 @ 08:00 AM
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Much of our situation stems around the fact that our DIL doesn't believe that my son's family is part of THE family, that only her family and very close friends are family. She's very insecure and controlling. We are only 15 minutes away and have been forbidden to even attend any activities that they have such as baseball, etc. It's unbelievable to me that I raised a son that is not only allowing this to happen but is participating in it. I'm at a total loss. He won't even call and talk to me or come see me. He is my only child.
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Meemer
07/19/08 @ 09:45 AM
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Hi again, My husband's opinion is that over the past 40 years society has tried to degrade masculinity & the result now is a society of males who often have little or no backbone, and males & females with little or no principles. This he feels is the root of the problem. He also feels that our DIL & her family don't believe in God. Her mother told us recently "I know that's what you believe, but I believe there is no God, there is no after life, only what is here & now, that's all there is." So, he feels that is what is repelling them from us now. We are NOT religious fanatics either, but we really do believe in a power greater than ourselves, and we realize the importance of roots and family. We don't worship things, and we believe we are all accountable for our actions. It sounds like you have the exact same problem, a son who won't stand up to his wife. Incidentally, our DIL hasn't spoken to her own father (divorced from her mother) for 10 y ears. We are here, if you need someone to listen. Take Care,
Elaine
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mimi4548
07/19/08 @ 10:39 AM
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Elaine In Florida Your husband Is probably right. Someone from a broken family like your daughter In Law might feel a threat from your side of the family being it is so family centered. I know it hurts but just keep doing what you have been doing and things will work out in the long run.It will take a little time but your Son will come around to his senses. He will get tired of the way things are and will come around. The bible says some where that RAISE A CHILD IN A Godly wayAND HE WILL NOT DEPART FROM IT. You know what one I am talking about. Go there and read it. Sooner or later your son will come around.Elaine never give up and keep praying for your sons Family. God bless you and your family. God still is in the restoration buisness. KEEP THE FAITH
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savedareyou1
07/29/08 @ 10:51 PM
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Hello Elaine,
I have been where you are at. Our SIL gets moods and the next thing you know we can't see the grankids. This has went on for nine years. He is also from a broken home and his family never had any money. They never had dinner together or most of the time had dinner at all. He was brought up that if you have no money, just don't eat. Our daughter is very spoiled, she is an only child. She is in her thirtys and we still give her money when she needs it. I think this is what makes him upset. We have had to talk to her with our SIL. You grandchildren will help out my asking to see you and your DIL will give in. Hang in there and let them know they are loved every chance you get.
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Grandna
08/01/08 @ 08:06 AM
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There are sure a lot of chickencrap parents out there, but they were all raised by somebody? (sending an email is a real cheap shot) Just hope "the next generation" has more sense and manners, and just bide your time.
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srhcb
08/01/08 @ 10:17 PM
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I am not actually a grandparent, but a soon to be mother. I was checking this site out for my mother. But I think I can possibly give another point of view on this topic. First off, I am so sorry that the situation with your family escalated to this. I am in a similar situation. My husband's mother is very controlling and she hates me. My husband and I both feel that it is in the child's best interests not to be associated at this time with his/her paternal grandparents. This is due to multiple reasons, including how they have dismissed my husband and three of his siblings due to them being from previous marriages. Also, they have two children from their current marriage that they are raising without any notion of discipline, self responsibility or respect for anyone or anything. My husband's sister had her first baby a few months ago. They disregard her wishes on EVERYTHING (keeping her on schedule, letting strangers who could potentially be sick hold her), etc. They also criticize her on pretty much every move she and her husband make- including their decision to have their child vaccinated. Since we were married in March they have cut off all contact with my husband- not even picking up when he calls them (at my request, btw) on Mother's and Father's day. We found out we were pregnant in May and they aren't even acknowledging the child at this point, but we know they will want to be involved at one point. They have been incredibly dishonest and destructive. At this point in time, our child will not know them. This may change in the future. I hope so. Our child will know other family members on his side- his sister, her husband and their new baby. Also, his grandparents- who have been godsends throughout this and VERY supportive (going so far as to apologize to us for their daughter and s-i-l). Hopefully this will give you guys a new perspective as to see that it's not always cut and dry, black and white. As long as the parents are 'fit' they do get the say in how their children are raised and who they can and cannot have relationships with- just as when you were raising your children you had that right.
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Jessica
08/02/08 @ 11:33 PM
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First off to the grandparents:
If the kids don't want you having anything to do with your grandchildren there are 2 ways to handle this,
One, is you speak to an attorney about your grandparents rights or you petition the court for your G/parent rights
Two, You contact the son or daughter and tell them that if that is the way they want to be then they will be removed from your will (If there is one) and you remove them from it, Then you take anything that is in your house that is thiers and throw it in a box (Do not pack it neatly) and either you drive over to thier house and throw it in the yard or mail it to them and tell them when they decide to grow up and pull thier head out of thier behind that maybe you will be there if you are not to busy and can find the time for them.
But turn it around on them and give them the same treatment.
(And then without them knowing you go home and have a good cry)
I know I do this and then in a while they start coming around
Stan
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Standly
08/08/08 @ 09:13 AM
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So Stan, don't you think throwing temper tantrums like a child would hurt your case? I mean my sister does this and guess what... when she calls- no one answers. Until she's ready to act like a sane, normal human being instead of a brat screaming for attention, no one deals with her. I suspect your kids may be doing the same to you.
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Jessica
08/11/08 @ 11:23 AM
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1. Is it possible that your belief in god is too overbearing for a family that doesn't believe?
2. It's not degredation of males: it's society seeing women differently, since the 80's, when 65% of mothers had to go to work, to make ends meet.
3. Not to say that you're this way, Mimi, but maybe there's opinions being offered when they haven't been solicitied? I'm a granny myself and wrestling with myself about doing this exact thing. But I really see it in my MIL. She's very opinionated and narrow minded, which brings me to my last point.
4. You said that you and your hub have "walked on eggshells" around your DIL and that your son wasn't brought up to act like this. Sounds to me like she's controlling and manipulative and probably has your son wrapped around her finger.Hope I haven't tread on your toes. I just want to help.
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grannyjo
08/12/08 @ 01:50 AM
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Unfortunately, today, a lot of males are wimps. When I got married my
wife tried to do that. Not have my parents come visit and see the grand kids or us to go there. I said for get it. My parents WILL KNOW their grandchildren and not the day of my parents funeral.. Most husbands won't stand up to their wives when it comes to this or the son's parents lose. The only thing you can do is say " look I want to get to know my grandchildren before I become ill and can't physically or mentally able to see him. Then what? "
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bob100247
08/14/08 @ 12:23 AM
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We commend you for standing up to your wife. Have you ever thought of teaching a course to other males to learn how to do the same? It is very important that these children have access to their grandparents & their perspectives and wisdom. Otherwise, they will grow up have a very narrow view of life. I certainly do agree that if the grandparents have been involved in illegal or illicit affairs that would be an exception, but in our case all we have ever done is be there for them and love them. Thank you for your reply! Take Care,
Mimi
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mimi4548
08/15/08 @ 09:45 AM
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And here I thought I was the only one! I just read the infuriating "advice" on "how to get along with your daughter in law: keep your mouth shut and wear beige." What ever happened to daughters in law wanting to please their mothers-in-law? How did this situation get reversed? After years of abuse by my daugher-in-law, which included not getting food when visiting, having to ASK for soap and a towel in the bathroom, and being left at the house while she went off to be "class mother" at my grandson's school (I live 1000 miles away!) I finally decided that it is impossible to visit them while staying at their house. We have to get a motel. At least she finally "performed" in front of my son so that he can no longer ignore the fact that she wishes our entire family would drop dead, so I go through him completely to see the kids. It's appalling. He, too, is my only child, and the grandchildren are adorable. We are moving soon to a house about 2.5 hours away, so we hope to see the kids more, on our own terms. As far as following the parents' "rules" when keeping the kids, that's ridiculous too. Kids know that they are being treated special by their grandparents, and they can easily sort it out. Frankly, I can't see your DIL or mine changing: the only way is to try to go through your son and see the grandkids independently. Don't visit them, because you will be on their turf, and she will be in control. Frankly, I can't imagine people with 2 kids who wouldn't be dying for all the help and babysitting of the kids so they can have more time as a couple. All I can say is, what goes around comes around. Let's pray for each other.
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boomer46
08/16/08 @ 11:47 AM
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